Rice Day

Very naturally, in the course of discussing her daughter’s impending first year at school, she said, “I will miss being able to connect with my daughter’s heart throughout the day. Today, we ate only rice all day to help us [as individuals and as a family] appreciate the choices available to us and understand what many people throughout the world feel lucky to have each day.”

They made rice in the morning, put it in an ice cream bucket, and drank water from their bathroom because they usually drink filtered water and nobody likes the taste of bathroom water.

Her kids are all under six and there was no fussing.

I love that she did this all on her own [with her husband] without being a superhero and without a corporate cause. She wasn’t raising money. She was simply living a life of solidarity. She was connecting and impacting with the biggest reward being that she connected with someone’s heart.

August 16, 2011 0

I Am the Worst: Letting Love Lose

The worst at letting go: me. I met a man for all of 20 minutes today and helped him shop for some shirts. Thankfully, shopping with people is actually my job, so all awkwardness was avoided.

And thankfully, all awkwardness was actually avoided. He was the best. The best at being good looking and charming. “Can you check what size shirt I’m wearing?” Oh, definitely. I will stand on my tip toes and read the inside label of the softest shirt I never sold you. It was the perfect, most classic set up. The perfect shop girl moment.

He was the best at pretending to be preoccupied with buying shirts, but actually content to rest his hand on the counter and be intriguing. I saw his interest click as soon as I let it slip that I only sell shirts and jeans part time and spend the majority of my time teaching high schoolers to sing. Some people really dig that. This was it: the click. He, himself, was an educator of sorts. College level baseball coaches are certainly considered educators to me. And I could see by the tiniest grey line above his ear, we might actually be in the same age bracket. Potential: met.

Since he was passing time at the mall waiting for his game that night, I casually asked for a start time. He said I could come and cheer his team. You’re new to town, so I’m sure you haven’t formed a bond with anyone on your team yet. You can cheer for us, he said. I gave him an official good luck, which I hoped he knew meant that I was coming and cheering for him and hoping for a drink after, and then he left.

That’s all you get in 20 minutes and three shirts.

After that it’s just: dragging friends to a three-hour baseball game, feeling bad for dragging people out when I know nothing’s going to happen, and trying to make up for it by being “extra” funny but actually being annoying, and then eventually letting go. Eventually. Which I am terrible at. Was that today or two years ago?

August 15, 2011 1

I’ve Earned My Badge and I Wear It Proudly

Sitting in a rainy co-worker smoke break at the mall entrance today, I surprised myself. It wasn’t that I was doing anything so spectacular or beautiful or stunning. It wasn’t even that I was doing anything stupid or embarrassing or cheap. No, I was proudly displaying my age badge.

We were having a conversation about some mid-twenty’s troubles (boys, weird health issues, retail stress) and I chimed in saying, “When I was twenty-four…” One of the girls chirped, “Oh, so long ago” to which I proudly replied, “I’m twenty-nine.” And my eyes sternly said the rest. She was quiet and listened to my yes, oh so wisened wisdom.

The rest of the meaning in my eyes was that five years really does make a difference. Things smooth out with the guys, you get a hold of your health (if you haven’t already; I hadn’t at 24), and you stop stressing about how your manager doesn’t know what she’s doing. You go with the flow.

Unlike P.H. who consistently says, “I’m thirty now. It’s time to start growing up.” I believe the time to start growing up is generally eighteen and you should be finished by the time you’re thirty, at the latest. Most girls I know in their mid-twenties have real jobs and careers ahead of them, but then something dramatic happens and they really solidify their grown-up selves.

Big events that have impacted girls I’ve known ages 23-25: marriage, first real-man boyfriend, a significant break up, terrible health issues like inexplicable daily vomiting for a year, a promotion, resigning for the first time from a stressful job, graduate school begins, graduate school ends, moving back with parents, moving out of parents’ house (again), moving to an unknown city for a guy, first no-roommate apartment, and transcontinental single living…In fact, these things have happened to multiple girls I’ve known.

So when I’m twenty-nine and chatting with a group of colorful, stressed out, mid-twenty’s girls, I am proud to be able to tell them to hang in there. Keep your head up and your heart soft. Make the changes now. Now is the time; this is the age for troubling troubles so go ahead and deal with it. You’re growing in ways you’ve never expected.

What surprised me most today about myself was the ease with which I shared my age. I’ve known these girls for over a year and I never told them my age (expect for the one who is twenty-eight, so she doesn’t count). But somehow today, I was okay with it. In fact, I almost said, “I’m thirty.”

(Maybe I should say that anyway, just to practice.)

August 2, 2011 3

Beleaguer Me Boston

There is a sneaking song in my life. It’s the one that consistently makes me turn to whoever is near and say emphatically, “I love this song. I just love it. And the music video.” I say it like I really know what I’m talking about and everyone should feel my heart pounding as the song starts.

Today the song came on the radio and I let my real confession breath. I confessed to the nearest chica that I don’t own the original love of this song. I confessed that I don’t really feel it’s mine to love. Truthfully, I only love it [my heart only beats its rhythms] because a boy introduced me to it, however many years ago that was. And now I confess that I love that and I hate that.

Love: I really do click with this song. It’s probably for the same reason I clicked with that guy. Not that he was piano-based and covered in ocean waves and angsty or anything. But he was real and honest and heartfelt. And that’s how I like to be. And that’s how I like my music. Hate: I wish I’d found this song on my own so that every time I heard it, I didn’t think of…him. He’s not with me; I have no leads on him these days. He legitimately checked out and that’s okay. And I hate the angsty vibe and the crying spirit it dredges up in me. Love: I love that I have a story with this song. However personal and tiny. However intangible and bittersweet. However many times it makes me sigh.

Augustana: Boston

August 1, 2011 0

Looking Up and Looking Down

While I was looking at this, everyone else was looking at the variety of plants on the trail. “Oh feel this one! It’s so soft! I was not expecting that one!” Etc.

My mind, my eyes, was just not on the details. It’s the big picture for me. The general goodness or the general badness. Others help me remember that little things make up the big things. And sometimes those little things need appreciation, too.

So yeah, I stopped rolling my eyes, walked back 50 paces and felt the surprising and unique little Coloradoan plants.

July 18, 2011 0

Off

I’m taking off for Minneapolis, a show, a trip to Colorado for a real vacation, then back to Minneapolis for a wedding. I may or may not post thoughts in the meantime. Eleven days.

July 14, 2011 0

Shadow Poem

I lost my shadow.
Where did it go?
Into the trees hanging below
me on the sidewalk
path.
I will meet him in the sunshine
soon.

July 13, 2011 0

Life In 3 by 5 Cards

I really do live my life in 3 by 5 cards. The above 3 examples are the result of tonight’s planning storm for the 2011-2012 choir year. I have two high school choirs and three middle school choirs next year. That’s a whole lot of repertoire. I will tape these cards to my desk and find the best set of music I can for each group.

Earlier today I started digging through 50 years of choir music at the high school. One quarter of the library is now covered in color-coded sticky notes. Pink notes designate music cabinets that need new folders and new catalog number assignments due to illegibility and degree of askewity (if you will). Yellow notes designate music that is labeled in a legible fashion and in order.

If I stick with the sticky notes, I may not need to order that much music this year. I might be okay with singing music from the 70’s if we can do it from new student folders. Well, maybe not.

Any lovely choir songs you once sang and still sing in secret?

Here is one of my favorite high school choir songs. It’s a well-known, beautiful, piece of American choral literature by Aaron Copeland, “Zion’s Walls.” Singing this song, I believe my junior year, made all the difference.

July 12, 2011 0

Loving the Truth: Sunday Sermon

The pastoral staff has made the series for the season “Summer of Love.” I find this apt and appropriate for me at the moment. I hope and pray for hope in love these days. I hope for truth and light and deep, sincere, lightness of heart. I seek it in reality. This weekend, Pastor C. John Steer lead us to love by the path of truth. He pointed to John’s use of the word know in his epistle of love (I John). It is important to know what God says about us in order to belief in his love. It is important to know the words in order to know the reality, the reality that God loves us.

John (I John 4:1-6) tells us to think, listen, and watch when we are hearing others’ words about God. Are the ideas from God? Does it acknowledge that Jesus is God? Is there evidence of the truth being lived out consistently and honestly in the speaker’s life?

John (I John 4:-12) tells us that God is love and God loves us. We see evidence of God’s love in our personal transformation from failing to victorious people. We see it in our transformation from fearful to hopeful, peaceful people. We see evidence of God’s love at Calvary, where Jesus gave up himself to create a new covenant with us. We see evidence of God’s love in other Believers as they feed, clothe, and care for one another, among many other beautiful ministries.

John (I John 4:13-21) tells that we can be saved from separation from God. We know the truth of our salvation by the gift of the spirit, even when our own spirits rejoice in the company of God. That is when we realize we were meant to be God’s children. We see evidence of salvation in the gift of faith, knowing that faith is ours for the taking. And we see evidence of salvation by the gift of love.

And we know what love feels like. Love is secure. Love is peaceful. Love is full and makes you whole. Love is deeper than our imaginations, visualizations, and even our far off dreams of a one day.

*Enlarge the copy of this Sunday’s notes to see who Pastor Steer quoted in his sermon.

July 11, 2011 0

Over Introspection

Over introspection, I will take:

freshly clean bedsheets
brie or paté: either, but not together
sweet tea
wearing two pairs of sunglasses at once
the psalms

July 10, 2011 0