Let The Great World Spin

Corrigan told me once that Christ was quite easy to understand. He went where He was supposed to go. He stayed where He was needed. He took little or nothing along, a pair of sandals, a bit of a shirt, a few odds and ends to stave off the loneliness. He never rejected the world. If He had rejected it, He would have been rejecting mystery. And if He rejected mystery, He would have been rejecting faith.

Let The Great World Spin
Colum McCann
(c) 2009

I’m currently giving McCann and his fictionalized Dublin to New York brothers’ tale space to teach me something I have yet to discover. How could I know what I need to learn anyway? The world is a mystery of faith.

April 27, 2011 1

Pie, Piano, and Poetry III

Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Pie, Piano, Poetry, Paintings and Preciousness
Northeast Minneapolis, Minnesota

April 26, 2011 0

No Reservations

I was so silly to hold back all the things I wanted to say. Why was I hoarding the compliments, the joy, the admiration, the love? Because I was afraid it wouldn’t be returned? Because I was afraid I might change my mind? Because I was afraid the sentiment would fade in six months time?

At some point, I flipped the switch. I gave up on fear and anxiety. They were getting me nowhere. Being reserved only gave me a seat at an empty table. So without reservations, I began to cheer and encourage. To spray beautiful remarks at any passerby I encountered. Great shoes! What a beautiful name! I’m so glad you’re here! There is nothing like the sound of your voice. I’m glad you are doing well today.

And then came joy. And then came trust.

April 25, 2011 0

Dear sweet love…

Dear sweet love,
I want to say thank you
with all my throbbing,
heart that bears too much
and beats too hard
and pumps out more
blood than I have
for filling my limbs with
your own blood
and for bearing the throbbing
with super strength
and for tearing out dry and scornful
demons
that ever thorn-cling to my sides.

April 24, 2011 1

Engaging in Mystery

As Good Friday draws to an end, I am reminded that so much of life is a mystery. I am surrounded by mystery. For many years, my biggest mystery was “why.” Now that I am older, my mysteries are “what” and “who.”

In a desert somewhere, after already making some life changing decisions, Jacob went out and wrestled with a tangible, body-full shadow. An angel. A mystery. He dropped to his knees and engaged. He reached out his hands and dove in. He wasn’t looking for a why. He was looking for what and who. And after he experienced, he changed.

If Jacob, in the midst of his prosperity, generosity, worry, tenacity, on-track and busy life, must stop to wrangle and contend with who and what God is, how much more must I?

Genesis Chapter 32 בְּרֵאשִׁית

א וַיַּשְׁכֵּם לָבָן בַּבֹּקֶר, וַיְנַשֵּׁק לְבָנָיו וְלִבְנוֹתָיו–וַיְבָרֶךְ אֶתְהֶם; וַיֵּלֶךְ וַיָּשָׁב לָבָן, לִמְקֹמוֹ.	1 And early in the morning Laban rose up, and kissed his sons and his daughters, and blessed them. And Laban departed, and returned unto his place.
ב וְיַעֲקֹב, הָלַךְ לְדַרְכּוֹ; וַיִּפְגְּעוּ-בוֹ, מַלְאֲכֵי אֱלֹהִים.	2 And Jacob went on his way, and the angels of God met him.
ג וַיֹּאמֶר יַעֲקֹב כַּאֲשֶׁר רָאָם, מַחֲנֵה אֱלֹהִים זֶה; וַיִּקְרָא שֵׁם-הַמָּקוֹם הַהוּא, מַחֲנָיִם. {פ}	3 And Jacob said when he saw them: ‘This is God’s camp.’ And he called the name of that place Mahanaim. {P}
ד וַיִּשְׁלַח יַעֲקֹב מַלְאָכִים לְפָנָיו, אֶל-עֵשָׂו אָחִיו, אַרְצָה שֵׂעִיר, שְׂדֵה אֱדוֹם.	4 And Jacob sent messengers before him to Esau his brother unto the land of Seir, the field of Edom.
ה וַיְצַו אֹתָם, לֵאמֹר, כֹּה תֹאמְרוּן, לַאדֹנִי לְעֵשָׂו: כֹּה אָמַר, עַבְדְּךָ יַעֲקֹב, עִם-לָבָן גַּרְתִּי, וָאֵחַר עַד-עָתָּה.	5 And he commanded them, saying: ‘Thus shall ye say unto my lord Esau: Thus saith thy servant Jacob: I have sojourned with Laban, and stayed until now.
ו וַיְהִי-לִי שׁוֹר וַחֲמוֹר, צֹאן וְעֶבֶד וְשִׁפְחָה; וָאֶשְׁלְחָה לְהַגִּיד לַאדֹנִי, לִמְצֹא-חֵן בְּעֵינֶיךָ.	6 And I have oxen, and asses and flocks, and men-servants and maid-servants; and I have sent to tell my lord, that I may find favour in thy sight.’
ז וַיָּשֻׁבוּ, הַמַּלְאָכִים, אֶל-יַעֲקֹב, לֵאמֹר: בָּאנוּ אֶל-אָחִיךָ, אֶל-עֵשָׂו, וְגַם הֹלֵךְ לִקְרָאתְךָ, וְאַרְבַּע-מֵאוֹת אִישׁ עִמּוֹ.	7 And the messengers returned to Jacob, saying: ‘We came to thy brother Esau, and moreover he cometh to meet thee, and four hundred men with him.’
ח וַיִּירָא יַעֲקֹב מְאֹד, וַיֵּצֶר לוֹ; וַיַּחַץ אֶת-הָעָם אֲשֶׁר-אִתּוֹ, וְאֶת-הַצֹּאן וְאֶת-הַבָּקָר וְהַגְּמַלִּים–לִשְׁנֵי מַחֲנוֹת.	8 Then Jacob was greatly afraid and was distressed. And he divided the people that was with him, and the flocks, and the herds, and the camels, into two camps.
ט וַיֹּאמֶר, אִם-יָבוֹא עֵשָׂו אֶל-הַמַּחֲנֶה הָאַחַת וְהִכָּהוּ–וְהָיָה הַמַּחֲנֶה הַנִּשְׁאָר, לִפְלֵיטָה.	9 And he said: ‘If Esau come to the one camp, and smite it, then the camp which is left shall escape.’
י וַיֹּאמֶר, יַעֲקֹב, אֱלֹהֵי אָבִי אַבְרָהָם, וֵאלֹהֵי אָבִי יִצְחָק: יְהוָה הָאֹמֵר אֵלַי, שׁוּב לְאַרְצְךָ וּלְמוֹלַדְתְּךָ–וְאֵיטִיבָה עִמָּךְ.	10 And Jacob said: ‘O God of my father Abraham, and God of my father Isaac, O LORD, who saidst unto me: Return unto thy country, and to thy kindred, and I will do thee good;
יא קָטֹנְתִּי מִכֹּל הַחֲסָדִים, וּמִכָּל-הָאֱמֶת, אֲשֶׁר עָשִׂיתָ, אֶת-עַבְדֶּךָ: כִּי בְמַקְלִי, עָבַרְתִּי אֶת-הַיַּרְדֵּן הַזֶּה, וְעַתָּה הָיִיתִי, לִשְׁנֵי מַחֲנוֹת.	11 I am not worthy of all the mercies, and of all the truth, which Thou hast shown unto Thy servant; for with my staff I passed over this Jordan; and now I am become two camps.
יב הַצִּילֵנִי נָא מִיַּד אָחִי, מִיַּד עֵשָׂו: כִּי-יָרֵא אָנֹכִי, אֹתוֹ–פֶּן-יָבוֹא וְהִכַּנִי, אֵם עַל-בָּנִים.	12 Deliver me, I pray Thee, from the hand of my brother, from the hand of Esau; for I fear him, lest he come and smite me, the mother with the children.
יג וְאַתָּה אָמַרְתָּ, הֵיטֵב אֵיטִיב עִמָּךְ; וְשַׂמְתִּי אֶת-זַרְעֲךָ כְּחוֹל הַיָּם, אֲשֶׁר לֹא-יִסָּפֵר מֵרֹב.	13 And Thou saidst: I will surely do thee good, and make thy seed as the sand of the sea, which cannot be numbered for multitude.’
יד וַיָּלֶן שָׁם, בַּלַּיְלָה הַהוּא; וַיִּקַּח מִן-הַבָּא בְיָדוֹ, מִנְחָה–לְעֵשָׂו אָחִיו.	14 And he lodged there that night; and took of that which he had with him a present for Esau his brother:
טו עִזִּים מָאתַיִם, וּתְיָשִׁים עֶשְׂרִים, רְחֵלִים מָאתַיִם, וְאֵילִים עֶשְׂרִים.	15 two hundred she-goats and twenty he-goats, two hundred ewes and twenty rams,
טז גְּמַלִּים מֵינִיקוֹת וּבְנֵיהֶם, שְׁלֹשִׁים; פָּרוֹת אַרְבָּעִים, וּפָרִים עֲשָׂרָה, אֲתֹנֹת עֶשְׂרִים, וַעְיָרִם עֲשָׂרָה.	16 thirty milch camels and their colts, forty kine and ten bulls, twenty she-asses and ten foals.
יז וַיִּתֵּן, בְּיַד-עֲבָדָיו, עֵדֶר עֵדֶר, לְבַדּוֹ; וַיֹּאמֶר אֶל-עֲבָדָיו, עִבְרוּ לְפָנַי, וְרֶוַח תָּשִׂימוּ, בֵּין עֵדֶר וּבֵין עֵדֶר.	17 And he delivered them into the hand of his servants, every drove by itself; and said unto his servants: ‘Pass over before me, and put a space betwixt drove and drove.’
יח וַיְצַו אֶת-הָרִאשׁוֹן, לֵאמֹר: כִּי יִפְגָשְׁךָ עֵשָׂו אָחִי, וּשְׁאֵלְךָ לֵאמֹר, לְמִי-אַתָּה וְאָנָה תֵלֵךְ, וּלְמִי אֵלֶּה לְפָנֶיךָ.	18 And he commanded the foremost, saying: ‘When Esau my brother meeteth thee, and asketh thee, saying: Whose art thou? and whither goest thou? and whose are these before thee?
יט וְאָמַרְתָּ, לְעַבְדְּךָ לְיַעֲקֹב–מִנְחָה הִוא שְׁלוּחָה, לַאדֹנִי לְעֵשָׂו; וְהִנֵּה גַם-הוּא, אַחֲרֵינוּ.	19 then thou shalt say: They are thy servant Jacob’s; it is a present sent unto my lord, even unto Esau; and, behold, he also is behind us.’
כ וַיְצַו גַּם אֶת-הַשֵּׁנִי, גַּם אֶת-הַשְּׁלִישִׁי, גַּם אֶת-כָּל-הַהֹלְכִים, אַחֲרֵי הָעֲדָרִים לֵאמֹר: כַּדָּבָר הַזֶּה תְּדַבְּרוּן אֶל-עֵשָׂו, בְּמֹצַאֲכֶם אֹתוֹ.	20 And he commanded also the second, and the third, and all that followed the droves, saying: ‘In this manner shall ye speak unto Esau, when ye find him;
כא וַאֲמַרְתֶּם–גַּם הִנֵּה עַבְדְּךָ יַעֲקֹב, אַחֲרֵינוּ: כִּי-אָמַר אֲכַפְּרָה פָנָיו, בַּמִּנְחָה הַהֹלֶכֶת לְפָנָי, וְאַחֲרֵי-כֵן אֶרְאֶה פָנָיו, אוּלַי יִשָּׂא פָנָי.	21 and ye shall say: Moreover, behold, thy servant Jacob is behind us.’ For he said: ‘I will appease him with the present that goeth before me, and afterward I will see his face; peradventure he will accept me.’
כב וַתַּעֲבֹר הַמִּנְחָה, עַל-פָּנָיו; וְהוּא לָן בַּלַּיְלָה-הַהוּא, בַּמַּחֲנֶה.	22 So the present passed over before him; and he himself lodged that night in the camp.
כג וַיָּקָם בַּלַּיְלָה הוּא, וַיִּקַּח אֶת-שְׁתֵּי נָשָׁיו וְאֶת-שְׁתֵּי שִׁפְחֹתָיו, וְאֶת-אַחַד עָשָׂר, יְלָדָיו; וַיַּעֲבֹר, אֵת מַעֲבַר יַבֹּק.	23 And he rose up that night, and took his two wives, and his two handmaids, and his eleven children, and passed over the ford of the Jabbok.
כד וַיִּקָּחֵם–וַיַּעֲבִרֵם, אֶת-הַנָּחַל; וַיַּעֲבֵר, אֶת-אֲשֶׁר-לוֹ.	24 And he took them, and sent them over the stream, and sent over that which he had.
כה וַיִּוָּתֵר יַעֲקֹב, לְבַדּוֹ; וַיֵּאָבֵק אִישׁ עִמּוֹ, עַד עֲלוֹת הַשָּׁחַר.	25 And Jacob was left alone; and there wrestled a man with him until the breaking of the day.
כו וַיַּרְא, כִּי לֹא יָכֹל לוֹ, וַיִּגַּע, בְּכַף-יְרֵכוֹ; וַתֵּקַע כַּף-יֶרֶךְ יַעֲקֹב, בְּהֵאָבְקוֹ עִמּוֹ.	26 And when he saw that he prevailed not against him, he touched the hollow of his thigh; and the hollow of Jacob’s thigh was strained, as he wrestled with him.
כז וַיֹּאמֶר שַׁלְּחֵנִי, כִּי עָלָה הַשָּׁחַר; וַיֹּאמֶר לֹא אֲשַׁלֵּחֲךָ, כִּי אִם-בֵּרַכְתָּנִי.	27 And he said: ‘Let me go, for the day breaketh.’ And he said: ‘I will not let thee go, except thou bless me.’
כח וַיֹּאמֶר אֵלָיו, מַה-שְּׁמֶךָ; וַיֹּאמֶר, יַעֲקֹב.	28 And he said unto him: ‘What is thy name?’ And he said: ‘Jacob.’
כט וַיֹּאמֶר, לֹא יַעֲקֹב יֵאָמֵר עוֹד שִׁמְךָ–כִּי, אִם-יִשְׂרָאֵל: כִּי-שָׂרִיתָ עִם-אֱלֹהִים וְעִם-אֲנָשִׁים, וַתּוּכָל.	29 And he said: ‘Thy name shall be called no more Jacob, but Israel; for thou hast striven with God and with men, and hast prevailed.’
ל וַיִּשְׁאַל יַעֲקֹב, וַיֹּאמֶר הַגִּידָה-נָּא שְׁמֶךָ, וַיֹּאמֶר, לָמָּה זֶּה תִּשְׁאַל לִשְׁמִי; וַיְבָרֶךְ אֹתוֹ, שָׁם.	30 And Jacob asked him, and said: ‘Tell me, I pray thee, thy name.’ And he said: ‘Wherefore is it that thou dost ask after my name?’ And he blessed him there.
לא וַיִּקְרָא יַעֲקֹב שֵׁם הַמָּקוֹם, פְּנִיאֵל: כִּי-רָאִיתִי אֱלֹהִים פָּנִים אֶל-פָּנִים, וַתִּנָּצֵל נַפְשִׁי.	31 And Jacob called the name of the place Peniel: ‘for I have seen God face to face, and my life is preserved.’
לב וַיִּזְרַח-לוֹ הַשֶּׁמֶשׁ, כַּאֲשֶׁר עָבַר אֶת-פְּנוּאֵל; וְהוּא צֹלֵעַ, עַל-יְרֵכוֹ.	32 And the sun rose upon him as he passed over Peniel, and he limped upon his thigh.
לג עַל-כֵּן לֹא-יֹאכְלוּ בְנֵי-יִשְׂרָאֵל אֶת-גִּיד הַנָּשֶׁה, אֲשֶׁר עַל-כַּף הַיָּרֵךְ, עַד, הַיּוֹם הַזֶּה: כִּי נָגַע בְּכַף-יֶרֶךְ יַעֲקֹב, בְּגִיד הַנָּשֶׁה.	33 Therefore the children of Israel eat not the sinew of the thigh-vein which is upon the hollow of the thigh, unto this day; because he touched the hollow of Jacob’s thigh, even in the sinew of the thigh-vein.

April 23, 2011 0

When I was young and too determined…

When I was young and too determined,
shaking my personality around by its neck,
I met a man.

I wore high heels.
I wore long jeans.
I tried to stay awake at 2am.

I wore sunglasses inside
comedy clubs.

When I was young and uninvested,
shaking my pride around by its neck,
I met another man.

I carried Doritos in my purse.
I carried Blue Moon in my purse.
I stayed at home until everyone else had gone home from the comedy clubs.

I wore fancy dresses
in my kitchen.

When I was young and undetermined,
When I was young and invested,
laying my discontentment down to rest on a soft bed of acceptance,
I met men.

I wore destressed jeans and fancy cardigans and off the shoulder t-shirts.
I wore slacks and sweaters and ID badges.
I went to work, went to work, and wrote.

I wore reading glasses
at rock concerts.

Someday, I will be young and in love–
then what will I do?

April 22, 2011 0

What Was I Thinking?

Tonight showcased some absolutely beautiful spirits at Pie, Piano, and Poetry–Minneapolis Chapter (pan). I drove up to the city after a long 4/20 day at school and a longer night previous filling out paperwork. Tired was not an adequate description to my state upon parking my car. But after some laughter, hugs, coconut cream, key lime, quotidian icons, emotional presence, homemade butterflies, fresh songs, fresh tries, and heart to heart discussion-confession, I drove home with lots of popping in my mind.

I can’t remember all the thoughts I had, but here are a few:

You gave my songs life again.
Privacy is special.
Satisfaction is enough.
Waiting to speak brings soft words. Marinate in silence.
I want your songs to have life again.
I want you to have life.
How shall we stop-animate?
Porches. Porches. Porches.
Mandolins. Guitars. Dueling keyboards.
Tambourine.
Don’t be frustrated with yourself. Accept yourself. Accept your work. Accept your heart. Accept your creative voice. Listen.
Be gentle. Be gentile. Be honest.
No rush.

April 21, 2011 0

Send me your words

Send me your words
your poor and poorly thought
words
your richly and seasoned
ideas
Send me the morning regret
the afternoon hope
the evening peace
the middle of the night fear
Send me your graphic descriptions
and your tired avoidance
Send me your nonchalance or over-thought,
under-intended, trying-too-hard, not hard enough
letters next to thoughts that make
words.
Send me your half-thoughts and over-grown ones, too.
I’ll put the fragments, the wholes, the colorful, the drab
the old, the new, the over and under-used
back together, rearranged, sensible to me
and send them back to you.
Then, please
send me your words.

April 20, 2011 0

City Heart

My heart is a big city–
people running everywhere
getting from to to fro,
taking care of business,
moving up and moving down
ladders and making art
on sidewalks and park benches
and in museum halls
that no one visits, expect for
people who don’t live in my
city heart.

April 19, 2011 0

Sanctuary

I needed a place to rest. The last few nights showcased a deluge of insomnia and worry; I needed a sanctuary for my mind. I sought it first in bed, not moving until far too late to make it to church on time. No shower. No made bed. No curled hair. No breakfast. In a far too quick 15 minutes, I lugged myself out the door with a poorly considered outfit and an ounce of espresso graciously brought to me with a “You seemed to be running behind” look of concern. It was Palm Sunday and I needed a rest, but it was not in my bed.

I looked for rest among the Chreasters and regulars, the families and friends of performers, and the general hullabaloo of the Easter pageant at church. Drama and costumes. Well-planned light cues. The play was full of orchestra and choir, jolly off-beats, and solemn ad libitum. Full of now, but lacking yesterday and tomorrow. Flagged on the sturdy pole of a good star-crossed love story, was a muted banner of “Jesus Is The Way.” Quiet Jesus. Loud Romans. Loud wishing things were different. It was Palm Sunday and I needed rest in the mystery of heaven, not the turmoil of a human heart.

When I returned home and released myself from my old, worn out tights and uncomfortable shoes, I wearily made my way to the kitchen to work out my own salvation with disappointment and cleaning. But I was tired. I had no work-ful spirit left in me. I stood lonely in front of the stove with a hymnal:

There is a fountain filled with blood drawn from Emmanuel’s veins;
And sinners plunged beneath that flood lose all their guilty stains.
Lose all their guilty stains, lose all their guilty stains;
And sinners plunged beneath that flood lose all their guilty stains.

The dying thief rejoiced to see that fountain in his day;
And there have I, though vile as he, washed all my sins away.
Washed all my sins away, washed all my sins away;
And there have I, though vile as he, washed all my sins away.

Dear dying Lamb, Thy precious blood shall never lose its power
Till all the ransomed church of God be saved, to sin no more.
Be saved, to sin no more, be saved, to sin no more;
Till all the ransomed church of God be saved, to sin no more.

E’er since, by faith, I saw the stream Thy flowing wounds supply,
Redeeming love has been my theme, and shall be till I die.
And shall be till I die, and shall be till I die;
Redeeming love has been my theme, and shall be till I die.

Then in a nobler, sweeter song, I’ll sing Thy power to save,
When this poor lisping, stammering tongue lies silent in the grave.
Lies silent in the grave, lies silent in the grave;
When this poor lisping, stammering tongue lies silent in the grave.

Lord, I believe Thou hast prepared, unworthy though I be,
For me a blood bought free reward, a golden harp for me!
’Tis strung and tuned for endless years, and formed by power divine,
To sound in God the Father’s ears no other name but Thine.

My voice grew louder and I felt every sound wave vibrate inside. The song–the words, the melody–shook my stomach, my knees, my toes, my eyes, my heart. I was ALL IN–all in reconnecting peace. It was Palm Sunday and I needed rest and there it was in the middle of the kitchen mess. Not working, but being with the Lord. Sanctuary.

April 18, 2011 0