Progression

Today started with “Hush, Somebody’s Callin’ My Name,” business, business, business, progressed to “Seasons of Love,” business, business, business, and finally landed in some sense here:

I have always watched this (starting the moment it arrived on the scene in 1993) and longed to be a part of a moment like that. I just might find a moment like this yet. Lord, despite the anxiety, stress, and business of a real life school day, keep my eyes, heart, and mind attentive to catch on to a truly happy day.

March 15, 2011 1

Superhero Theme Song

When I am a superhero, this is my theme song. Be listening.

March 9, 2011 2

I am caught in an inhale…

I am caught in an inhale.
My tongue is breezily still,
fluttering with words
not allowed to be said
yet.

My teeth are
calmly worried
they will be too sharp
for the words
still crawling
out.

Everyone is whispering,
“Just hold it in a little longer.”

I am caught in an inhale
and I don’t know when I will let go.

March 8, 2011 2

Writing in the Shower

Saturday and Sunday evening found me in great irritation. Despite my goal of making 2011 a more restful year, all the life happening lately was putting me off. Instead of my reading and writing, I’ve wanted to nap, watch TV, and eat popcorn for the last two days.

I said to my sister, “What’s wrong with me?!” She said, “Nothing.” And it was simply that–nothing was wrong, but that I needed a break. I needed to quiet my mind and really listen to a part of me that needed attention. It was that part that sometimes gets misinterpreted when it speaks, turning me to TV and popcorn and avoidance behaviors.

“Where is my quiet place today?” I asked myself. I heard, “Take a shower. Let’s start there.”

I breathed in, and in, and in, then finally out into the steamy tile. Here is what my tiny voice said:

I held what words I could in my mind until I could get upstairs, put water on to boil, and a get a pen in my hand. While the pot wheezed and the kitchen remained a mess, I sang the lines above to absolutely no one but myself. The pen slipped across the page; my irritation slipped out of my heart.

Well, that’s done and I feel better. Does this poem-song of sorts mean something significant? Is it life-changing? Is it mind-blowing or on its way to a Pulitzer? Is it even true? If nothing, it is peace-bringing. If everything, it is taking care of myself. I took a shower, I made a cup of tea, and I wrote down a few words on a piece of paper.

How did you take care of yourself today? How will you take care of yourself tomorrow?

Here’s the poem if you can’t read my hurried handwriting:

There is a color, color,
a color in my mind.
It is a mist-
misty, morning white.

There is a sound, sound
awakening my ear.
It is a vacant, lot that’s
lost its grandeur.

There is a touch, touch,
at my fingertips, a touch.
It is a sharp blade of grass
I love too much.

There is a smell, smell,
drifting up my nose.
It is a wild, white,
Canterbury rose.

There is a taste, a taste,
sweet and bitter on my tongue.
It is a man who has
already come and gone.

March 7, 2011 2

Calm Ocean Day: In Vision

Last summer, I wrote a poem. Last fall, I posted it here. This winter, a new friend surprised me with his visualization of it. Here it is. Thanks, M.

March 6, 2011 0

How He Loves Our Rest

Today, an intended 20-minute nap turned into 2 hours of lights out. I crawled into my bed around 1pm, just home from an odd morning in 5th grade, seeking warmth and coze. I had had enough. I thought, “If I just sleep for 20 minutes, I can get up and finish all that e-mailing I haven’t gotten to in the last couple days. Maybe I can even get some reading done before dinner. Then I can run my errands, check in at the mall, get in a workout, and work on my scary poetry before bed.”

Two hours later, I realized that what I really needed to get done was some rest. It is more official than ever that 2011 is “The Year of Rest.” You know that I am not traditionally a napper, but God is really using some literal rest to speak life into me.

While this week was nothing but big conversations, big decisions, unknown thoughts, sleepless nights, and extra shifts, God made a way for me to have Friday afternoon off so that I could take a nap–to stop thinking for a breath. Honestly, I was supposed to work in the afternoon, but the arrangement was switched at the last minute.

I woke up around 3pm wondering just what I had happened; I hadn’t moved an inch from my fetal position. I looked around the dark, cold room and realized that my burdens were lighter. God took them while I slept. I could breath easier and I wasn’t in such a rush.

I took my time with the rest of the day. I had a work out, went to the mall, accepted a job offer, had some dinner, watched The Bachelor, then sang this song–the one that always makes me cry.

Have you taken a nap lately?

March 5, 2011 0

Happy People Take Care

Happy people take care of themselves. As one who has wandered the hallows of depression and self-loathing, I’ve moved past jealousy into admiration of people who are genuinely happy. I’ve noticed in my watching and note-taking, that these people are the ones who address all their needs (as much as able) physically, spiritually, and mentally.

If they feel like taking a walk, they take a walk. If an eloquent speaker is in town, they attend a session. If they feel pride rising up, they say what they have done well and say thanks to God for the ability to do it.

It is not a doctrine of indulgence, but one of enjoyment. To me, the key principal is this: We like certain activities, foods, and art for a reason. The reason is mysterious, but maybe is best stated as “it connects with us.” When a woman is pregnant, most doulas will tell her to listen to her body and give it what it asks for. In the same way, we should listen to our likes and give ourselves those things. We all have joy inside us longing to come out and be known. We have to learn how to let release it.

As you know, I connect strongly with a cup of hot cocoa with cinnamon. It makes a difference in my body. It changes me. Why should I deny myself this good thing? If I feed my body rightly, it won’t crave other, unhealthy foods. I learned this concept in Italy, where every ingredient is fresh. I found that giving myself the most healthy options reduced the desire for unhealthy, unreal substitutes. I had little physical longing to snack. The only time I really craved snack foods was when I was emotionally unhealthy–i.e. not giving my emotions what they needed, which could have easily been singing a song or writing a poem.

Ask yourself today, “What do you need, Self? A photo shoot? A place to sing real loud? A cup of hot cocoa?” Then, go ahead and take care of that. Here’s to your happiness and enjoyment of life!

March 4, 2011 0

Superhero Gear

Last weekend we hosted a Pie, Piano, Poetry, and Photography Party because we like all those things. (So why not?) J. joined us, proving that even middle schoolers are artists and like to share their work. These are a few examples of J’s creativity. He has fashioned at least two superheros; I’m sure more are hiding their identities in his sketch pad. Here are his superheros are in all their glory. The green one has lightening powers and the red one has lava powers. Yes, lava powers. Don’t get in his way.

The “Merry Christmas” cloth is J’s first attempt at sewing, much better than my first and last attempts at sewing. J. also shared a wallet with us that he had made out of an old computer keyboard circuit board. He confessed to waking up around 5 am with an unquenchable desire to attempt the wallet. He did all his own research online to determine what he needed and how to make it work. I take that back, I don’t think J. is even in Middle School yet.

Minds, they do great and inspiring things. What will yours share today?

March 2, 2011 0

Old News

With my mind racing from all the old news I obtained today via the girls at work, I ran into a song I drafted a couple of years ago on my itunes. The lyrics?

Little did I know in the midst of plans and making dreams come true / there is no room for lovers and there is no room for me and you / but that’s okay, baby stay / watch me as / I run up to the mountain ready to set my fears behind / show you what I really mean to do and won’t you be surprised / when I pass you by / baby, I // choose to dive to the ocean, running right off of this mountainside / yes, I know you don’t think love has wings for a heart my size / but I still want to know / just how far I’ll go / if I fly a little / try a little / watch me fly // You can be frightened all you want but, honey, I won’t force your hand / it’s time for you to decide on your own if love is worth it, man / oh my, baby, I / choose to dive to the ocean, running right off of this mountain side / yes, I know you don’t think love has wings for a heart my size / but I still want to know / just how far I’ll go / if I fly a little / try a little / I might cry a little / even die a little/ because love doesn’t have a plan / it just gives you wings and you hope you land...

And I heard their words. And I knew their words. They confirmed all the thoughts I had been thinking, all the assumptions I had been assuming, and all the disappointments I had been anticipating. All the drama I had been stepping around, met me face to face in the form of old news. “You see? You knew it all along,” each minute seemed to say to me, “There is no need to seek the truth when the truth is clearly set before you.”

I know you think love doesn’t have wings for a heart my size, but I still want to know what will happen if I jump off this cliff. Because you see, old news and new news are sometimes the same thing. And sometimes all our decisions are the same, too.

March 1, 2011 0