It’s 40 days till our wedding and this tune was recorded close to one year before I got to celebrate B’s birthday for the first time with him. I guess I really was calling out to love.
Here’s to 40 days until our wedding, B!
Knowing Where You Are
Even when you have to fly away for a time,
I am thankful that I know where you are.
I am not searching.
You are right behind the wing.
Home is in the Heart
The road home
If home is where your heart is, please carry me in your heart
like I carry you
in my heart.
(February 21, 2010)
–Naphtalia
with a brief, but prominent nod to e.e. cummings.
Sugar Sugar Song
I just kind of thought [for some reason] this clip of Haley Bonar [fellow Minnesota songwriter] would be an appropriate song of the week. *heart*
In Five Minutes
At 5 minutes to 5, I was near tears. M. and K. wrapped up rehearsal with the string quartet and I turned to L. saying, “I really don’t know if I can make it through tonight. One more song about love and I’m going to lose it.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. It’s a big subject. Touchy.”
I wanted someone to hold my hand. Where were you?
L. scrunched her face as we sat in the front row of the sanctuary. “I do not feel cute in my clothes. I never feel good about what I’m wearing.”
“Me neither. But you look cute. You always look so nice. I got this shirt I’m wearing at TJ Maxx yesterday for 10 bucks; it’s not breathable.”
“Are you hot?”
“No. I just feel like I stink.” I hoped the drummer didn’t just hear that. He was sitting a few seats down.
“Don’t worry. I don’t smell anything. I need a haircut.”
“Oh my. So do I. I was literally just thinking that in the bathroom. And earlier, my sister told me to wear my hair down. She said it was looking good, but I can hardly stand it. My ends are all torn up.”
“You look good. We always try so hard, don’t we?”
“What a funny day.”
L. looked back and agreed. “Have fun singing tonight, okay?”
“Thanks.”
At 5 pm, I was ready. My crisis was averted and I did not cry whilst leading worship and not holding your hand. We will see what tomorrow brings, but I hope to be engulfed in the truth that I have an even bigger hand holding my entire being.
Confession #3: The Bachelor
Things I learned while watching The Bachelor:
- Be open.
- Sometimes love really is like skydiving, repelling down a building, etc; you really do have to leap off of some internal ledge.
- Speaking what’s on your mind makes a world of difference; if you see something good, say something good.
Things I learned while watching The Bachelorette:
- Your gut can be wrong.
- You have to hear the words, not just speak them.
- A good guy knows how to take a deep breath, look you in the eye, and say something real. Then, a keeper will act on it.
- There is definitely something to be said for consistency.
These may not be hard and fast rules to live by. I am clearly not an expert on relationships. TV is clearly manipulated and manipulative.
However, there is some truth here that I would do well to remember in the coming months. Someone once asked me about my weaknesses in relationships and I said, “This little heart of mine.” I said it right off the cuff, but it was so true. My heart seems to get me into as much trouble as is does reward. My heart just goes for it, gets beat up a little, and gets scared. So the next time an opportunity arises, my heart shies away. I sometimes wonder if I’ve missed somebody on those off times.
Of course, it’s all in God’s time and good time and all of that, but as summer really starts to rev up, I think I’m ready to go again. Despite the hang ups and the confusion and the crazy feeling of being a contestant in my own life, here I am. I’m running off my own tower of insecurities with only a little hope to get me safely back to the ground. Hope that I want to employ to keep my heart open to someone who could be a real, true parachute.
Here’s a bit of a song from a few years ago:
I choose to dive to the ocean, running right off of this mountainside.
Yes, I know you don’t think love has wings for a heart my size.
But I still want to know just how far I’ll go
If I fly a little, try a little.
Watch me fly.
I guess some things just don’t change about a person.
Daily Prayers
As I search for a modern life connected to an plus-ancient spirit, I find myself meekly desperate in the midst of various quotidian activities.
Here are some of the ambiguous and unambiguous prayers I find myself reciting in the car, washing dishes, alternating laundry, scrubbing sinks, and getting dressed:
Oh, God…
Help me to find the words.
What am I doing?
Let me keep my mouth shut at the appropriate times.
Calm my heart.
Keep him safe.
Please foster some passion in my heart and his.
Let there be love.
Keep me going, keep me faithful, keep me simple, keep me trusting.
Thank you for this coffee.
Clean my heart, too.
I feel so lost and yet inexplicably held.
In response, I most often hear a gentle voice saying, “I am here.”
HelloGiggles and Me
Even though I’m somewhere near the 2,500th person to “like” this site (officially unofficial), I still feel like I’m buying something without spending money. (That number is small when you think of the whole world–I like to think well of myself.) Oh, well, it’s still totally me to be liking the following:
HelloGiggles.com brings a fresh “let’s live like it’s 1950 without all that humdrum housewifely oppression business” vibe to online community-izing. (You know what I mean.) What I mean to say is that there are a lot of girls out there who like to dress in knee length, plaid skirts and ballet flats and drink tea every night who have needed a lady like place online to you know, discuss. I mean, let’s chat, ladies! I myself, look terrible in knee-length plaid, but I did buy ballet flats the other day at the, gasp, GAP. Hey, they were 40% off. And on a side note, I got a compliment on them.
True story: Saturday night, I’m playing cards with a bunch of guys and one says to me, “I like your mocassins. They look hard to walk in.” The teacher in me escapes with, “They’re actually called ballet flats and ballerinas wear them to dance in so I can’t imagine how they could be hard to walk in.” (Good Lord, why must I be so feisty and combative and always right?) “Oh, I mean, like hard. Like do they have cushions?” “Oh. Yeah, these have cushions. They are very comfortable. Thank you for liking them.” (This is me trying to crawl back into my cute and adorable skin.) He then asked me what year I graduated—from high school. HelloGiggles tells me that means he is too young to date. I concur and concede, as cute as he was. Onward.
The site is all about everything we ladies love: hair, how to tips, wearing the same pair of pants three different ways, ways to treat ourselves, and prescribing advice to one another about the previously mentioned topics and everything else you have ever talked about while riding home after a day at the beach with the boys. The only thing it’s really missing is a spiritual aspect–although one post did mention getting caught up with “Oprah’s body shape through the years” or something.
How could I not enjoy a little fun in the sun, ice tea on the porch talk with Zooey Deschanel (I believe, currently yet to publish a post on her own site) and a posse of her real (Sophia Rossi and Molly McAleer) and internet girl friends? (Some contributors seem to be 12 and 10 years old. I’m not sure how that works, but I’m not really up on this networking thing.)
Here’s one post to get you started, but this site is not all about singleness. Single Girls Guide. It’s simply not an old boys’ club.
In the end, it’s good to be a classy girl and Zooey knows that.
No Reservations
I was so silly to hold back all the things I wanted to say. Why was I hoarding the compliments, the joy, the admiration, the love? Because I was afraid it wouldn’t be returned? Because I was afraid I might change my mind? Because I was afraid the sentiment would fade in six months time?
At some point, I flipped the switch. I gave up on fear and anxiety. They were getting me nowhere. Being reserved only gave me a seat at an empty table. So without reservations, I began to cheer and encourage. To spray beautiful remarks at any passerby I encountered. Great shoes! What a beautiful name! I’m so glad you’re here! There is nothing like the sound of your voice. I’m glad you are doing well today.
And then came joy. And then came trust.
Naphtalia 