Tag: theology

I am not enough…

I am not enough
in my cycling mind.
I, in my revolving door of
understanding my surroundings.
I am in.  I am out.
I am frugal.  I am lavish.
I am basic.  I am stifling.
I am so much, so many,
but I am missing parts.
I am not enough.
I am missing my Enough.
The part that makes complex
smooth and filling and satiating.
I do not find Enough in my analysis,
my misperceptions,
my cock-eyed conceptions,
my dandy sensibilities,
Or my Watching too closely of my world.
I do not find Enough, so heavy and matter-ing
like the sea, easily.  Not quickly.
Not in carousel rides
or roller coaster thrills–so free-ing.
No. Not in writing. Nor reading. Nor anything I seek. And though I do not know exactly
where Enough dwells.  I believe
I start to find Enough in my ears.  Simply there at the sides of me.
In the listening to waves, breaths, bee buzzes,
and sometimes somebody’s distant guitar picking.
Oh burrow into my ears, Enough.

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There You Are

I was reminded today, via an itunes U podcast featuring Brett McCracken and his colleagues at Biola University, of something I heard many years ago.

At the end of the program, Wheaton College professor Jerry Root is quoted saying, “There are two kinds of people in the world.  Here I am people and There you are people.  My life is an effort to be more and more of a There you are person.”  I know Jerry says this because I heard it myself sometime in the midst of my Wheaton College career.  I am just as challenged today as I was 7-10 years ago.

Oh, how I want to walk into a room and say, “There you are!” more loudly than I could ever say, “Here I am.”  I, too, want in humility to let my coolness dissolve in the presence of others.  Let me be unmasked, uncovered, unknown to myself.  Let my mind stop calculating my perceived presence, my situation, and my expectations of adoration or even simple reception.

Instead, let my be clear headed, sweet heart-ed, and genuinely busied with making someone else feel like they are the only person in the room–the most important person I speak with today.

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Why Consider Heaven: Sunday Sermon

Each Sunday, when I hear C. John Steer’s British accent inviting me to stand and join with the church in praise of our Great God, I rise with a strong sense of purpose.   After a good nine months in  his Sunday services, I was beginning to hang my sermon notes at my desk each week.  I’d like to share some now.

This week he began a series on heaven and hell, an intimidating subject to say the least.  Today’s sermon was a preparation for more.  It was really quite genteel ending with a great “Heaven is ahead–hurrah!”

I think one of my favorite quotes from today was “we don’t think about heaven so much because we are too preoccupied with earth.”  How ironic that when I’m just beginning Case’s book on God in the everyday, that I be challenged to think of the super spiritual place of heaven?

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Inconvenient Truth

This is an excerpt I jotted down last month while reading “Jesus Freak” by Sara Miles.  I pulled it today from the stack of 3 by 5 cards on my writing desk and I shook my head.  This theme just keeps chasing me around.

I spent the last two days listening to heavy “be aware of the times” teaching at a large Women’s Conference.  What did I come away with?  “God Is Here” by Steve Case, a modern look at Brother Lawrence’s “The Practice of the Presence of God” (a book I read almost exactly 10 years ago).  I skipped the books about God in the midst of your pain and how to study the book of Daniel and the truth about sex, and my eyes and my heart went straight to a plain covered, humble book about God at Starbucks.  I guess that’s where I’m at…still.

God is in the every day, the here, the now, the computer time, the morning, the evening, the snacks, the walks, the runs, the cries, the laughs, the pie-making, the dish-washing.  But that is not the inconvenient part–that I might run right into God as I turn the corner into my kitchen.  No, the inconvenient part is that my physical mindedness gets in the way of accepting and judging according to the Spirit.  The inconvenient part is that I see the coffee cup and I think about the coffee cup.

Today, when I consider the times, the business of life and hurts therein, when I analyze them and judge them (Luke 12:56-57), I will consider them in terms of how much I engage with God in the common.

*As an aside, I notice the misspelling on the note card.  Sometimes I get anxious to write things down before I forget them, resulting in misspelling.

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Called Up

I use this phrase at school to tell students they are wanted in the office.  I say, “Hey, guess what?! You have been called up, man!”  Despite the concern that often rises in their eyes, it does usually help to lighten the mood.

Today, I was called up.  Thankfully, not to the principal’s office, but to a Women’s Conference.  I was on the waiting list, but I’m not anymore!  I’m concerned.  What will I find?

The conference is at my local church in town here (written like a true Minnesotan) and I’m attending with my sister Friday and Saturday.  Wish me something good.

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Let The Great World Spin

Corrigan told me once that Christ was quite easy to understand.  He went where He was supposed to go.  He stayed where He was needed.  He took little or nothing along, a pair of sandals, a bit of a shirt, a few odds and ends to stave off the loneliness.  He never rejected the world.  If He had rejected it, He would have been rejecting mystery.  And if He rejected mystery, He would have been rejecting faith.

Let The Great World Spin
Colum McCann
(c) 2009

I’m currently giving McCann and his fictionalized Dublin to New York brothers’ tale space to teach me something I have yet to discover.  How could I know what I need to learn anyway?  The world is a mystery of faith.

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Dear sweet love…

Dear sweet love,
I want to say thank you
with all my throbbing,
heart that bears too much
and beats too hard
and pumps out more
blood than I have
for filling my limbs with
your own blood
and for bearing the throbbing
with super strength
and for tearing out dry and scornful
demons
that ever thorn-cling to my sides.

1

Engaging in Mystery

As Good Friday draws to an end, I am reminded that so much of life is a mystery.  I am surrounded by mystery.  For many years, my biggest mystery was “why.”  Now that I am older, my mysteries are “what” and “who.”

In a desert somewhere, after already making some life changing decisions, Jacob went out and wrestled with a tangible, body-full shadow.  An angel.  A mystery.  He dropped to his knees and engaged.  He reached out his hands and dove in.  He wasn’t looking for a why.  He was looking for what and who.  And after he experienced, he changed.

If Jacob, in the midst of his prosperity, generosity, worry, tenacity, on-track and busy life, must stop to wrangle and contend with who and what God is, how much more must I?

Genesis Chapter 32 בְּרֵאשִׁית

א  וַיַּשְׁכֵּם לָבָן בַּבֹּקֶר, וַיְנַשֵּׁק לְבָנָיו וְלִבְנוֹתָיו–וַיְבָרֶךְ אֶתְהֶם; וַיֵּלֶךְ וַיָּשָׁב לָבָן, לִמְקֹמוֹ. 1 And early in the morning Laban rose up, and kissed his sons and his daughters, and blessed them. And Laban departed, and returned unto his place.
ב  וְיַעֲקֹב, הָלַךְ לְדַרְכּוֹ; וַיִּפְגְּעוּ-בוֹ, מַלְאֲכֵי אֱלֹהִים. 2 And Jacob went on his way, and the angels of God met him.
ג  וַיֹּאמֶר יַעֲקֹב כַּאֲשֶׁר רָאָם, מַחֲנֵה אֱלֹהִים זֶה; וַיִּקְרָא שֵׁם-הַמָּקוֹם הַהוּא, מַחֲנָיִם.  {פ} 3 And Jacob said when he saw them: ‘This is God’s camp.’ And he called the name of that place Mahanaim. {P}
ד  וַיִּשְׁלַח יַעֲקֹב מַלְאָכִים לְפָנָיו, אֶל-עֵשָׂו אָחִיו, אַרְצָה שֵׂעִיר, שְׂדֵה אֱדוֹם. 4 And Jacob sent messengers before him to Esau his brother unto the land of Seir, the field of Edom.
ה  וַיְצַו אֹתָם, לֵאמֹר, כֹּה תֹאמְרוּן, לַאדֹנִי לְעֵשָׂו:  כֹּה אָמַר, עַבְדְּךָ יַעֲקֹב, עִם-לָבָן גַּרְתִּי, וָאֵחַר עַד-עָתָּה. 5 And he commanded them, saying: ‘Thus shall ye say unto my lord Esau: Thus saith thy servant Jacob: I have sojourned with Laban, and stayed until now.
ו  וַיְהִי-לִי שׁוֹר וַחֲמוֹר, צֹאן וְעֶבֶד וְשִׁפְחָה; וָאֶשְׁלְחָה לְהַגִּיד לַאדֹנִי, לִמְצֹא-חֵן בְּעֵינֶיךָ. 6 And I have oxen, and asses and flocks, and men-servants and maid-servants; and I have sent to tell my lord, that I may find favour in thy sight.’
ז  וַיָּשֻׁבוּ, הַמַּלְאָכִים, אֶל-יַעֲקֹב, לֵאמֹר:  בָּאנוּ אֶל-אָחִיךָ, אֶל-עֵשָׂו, וְגַם הֹלֵךְ לִקְרָאתְךָ, וְאַרְבַּע-מֵאוֹת אִישׁ עִמּוֹ. 7 And the messengers returned to Jacob, saying: ‘We came to thy brother Esau, and moreover he cometh to meet thee, and four hundred men with him.’
ח  וַיִּירָא יַעֲקֹב מְאֹד, וַיֵּצֶר לוֹ; וַיַּחַץ אֶת-הָעָם אֲשֶׁר-אִתּוֹ, וְאֶת-הַצֹּאן וְאֶת-הַבָּקָר וְהַגְּמַלִּים–לִשְׁנֵי מַחֲנוֹת. 8 Then Jacob was greatly afraid and was distressed. And he divided the people that was with him, and the flocks, and the herds, and the camels, into two camps.
ט  וַיֹּאמֶר, אִם-יָבוֹא עֵשָׂו אֶל-הַמַּחֲנֶה הָאַחַת וְהִכָּהוּ–וְהָיָה הַמַּחֲנֶה הַנִּשְׁאָר, לִפְלֵיטָה. 9 And he said: ‘If Esau come to the one camp, and smite it, then the camp which is left shall escape.’
י  וַיֹּאמֶר, יַעֲקֹב, אֱלֹהֵי אָבִי אַבְרָהָם, וֵאלֹהֵי אָבִי יִצְחָק:  יְהוָה הָאֹמֵר אֵלַי, שׁוּב לְאַרְצְךָ וּלְמוֹלַדְתְּךָ–וְאֵיטִיבָה עִמָּךְ. 10 And Jacob said: ‘O God of my father Abraham, and God of my father Isaac, O LORD, who saidst unto me: Return unto thy country, and to thy kindred, and I will do thee good;
יא  קָטֹנְתִּי מִכֹּל הַחֲסָדִים, וּמִכָּל-הָאֱמֶת, אֲשֶׁר עָשִׂיתָ, אֶת-עַבְדֶּךָ:  כִּי בְמַקְלִי, עָבַרְתִּי אֶת-הַיַּרְדֵּן הַזֶּה, וְעַתָּה הָיִיתִי, לִשְׁנֵי מַחֲנוֹת. 11 I am not worthy of all the mercies, and of all the truth, which Thou hast shown unto Thy servant; for with my staff I passed over this Jordan; and now I am become two camps.
יב  הַצִּילֵנִי נָא מִיַּד אָחִי, מִיַּד עֵשָׂו:  כִּי-יָרֵא אָנֹכִי, אֹתוֹ–פֶּן-יָבוֹא וְהִכַּנִי, אֵם עַל-בָּנִים. 12 Deliver me, I pray Thee, from the hand of my brother, from the hand of Esau; for I fear him, lest he come and smite me, the mother with the children.
יג  וְאַתָּה אָמַרְתָּ, הֵיטֵב אֵיטִיב עִמָּךְ; וְשַׂמְתִּי אֶת-זַרְעֲךָ כְּחוֹל הַיָּם, אֲשֶׁר לֹא-יִסָּפֵר מֵרֹב. 13 And Thou saidst: I will surely do thee good, and make thy seed as the sand of the sea, which cannot be numbered for multitude.’
יד  וַיָּלֶן שָׁם, בַּלַּיְלָה הַהוּא; וַיִּקַּח מִן-הַבָּא בְיָדוֹ, מִנְחָה–לְעֵשָׂו אָחִיו. 14 And he lodged there that night; and took of that which he had with him a present for Esau his brother:
טו  עִזִּים מָאתַיִם, וּתְיָשִׁים עֶשְׂרִים, רְחֵלִים מָאתַיִם, וְאֵילִים עֶשְׂרִים. 15 two hundred she-goats and twenty he-goats, two hundred ewes and twenty rams,
טז  גְּמַלִּים מֵינִיקוֹת וּבְנֵיהֶם, שְׁלֹשִׁים; פָּרוֹת אַרְבָּעִים, וּפָרִים עֲשָׂרָה, אֲתֹנֹת עֶשְׂרִים, וַעְיָרִם עֲשָׂרָה. 16 thirty milch camels and their colts, forty kine and ten bulls, twenty she-asses and ten foals.
יז  וַיִּתֵּן, בְּיַד-עֲבָדָיו, עֵדֶר עֵדֶר, לְבַדּוֹ; וַיֹּאמֶר אֶל-עֲבָדָיו, עִבְרוּ לְפָנַי, וְרֶוַח תָּשִׂימוּ, בֵּין עֵדֶר וּבֵין עֵדֶר. 17 And he delivered them into the hand of his servants, every drove by itself; and said unto his servants: ‘Pass over before me, and put a space betwixt drove and drove.’
יח  וַיְצַו אֶת-הָרִאשׁוֹן, לֵאמֹר:  כִּי יִפְגָשְׁךָ עֵשָׂו אָחִי, וּשְׁאֵלְךָ לֵאמֹר, לְמִי-אַתָּה וְאָנָה תֵלֵךְ, וּלְמִי אֵלֶּה לְפָנֶיךָ. 18 And he commanded the foremost, saying: ‘When Esau my brother meeteth thee, and asketh thee, saying: Whose art thou? and whither goest thou? and whose are these before thee?
יט  וְאָמַרְתָּ, לְעַבְדְּךָ לְיַעֲקֹב–מִנְחָה הִוא שְׁלוּחָה, לַאדֹנִי לְעֵשָׂו; וְהִנֵּה גַם-הוּא, אַחֲרֵינוּ. 19 then thou shalt say: They are thy servant Jacob’s; it is a present sent unto my lord, even unto Esau; and, behold, he also is behind us.’
כ  וַיְצַו גַּם אֶת-הַשֵּׁנִי, גַּם אֶת-הַשְּׁלִישִׁי, גַּם אֶת-כָּל-הַהֹלְכִים, אַחֲרֵי הָעֲדָרִים לֵאמֹר:  כַּדָּבָר הַזֶּה תְּדַבְּרוּן אֶל-עֵשָׂו, בְּמֹצַאֲכֶם אֹתוֹ. 20 And he commanded also the second, and the third, and all that followed the droves, saying: ‘In this manner shall ye speak unto Esau, when ye find him;
כא  וַאֲמַרְתֶּם–גַּם הִנֵּה עַבְדְּךָ יַעֲקֹב, אַחֲרֵינוּ:  כִּי-אָמַר אֲכַפְּרָה פָנָיו, בַּמִּנְחָה הַהֹלֶכֶת לְפָנָי, וְאַחֲרֵי-כֵן אֶרְאֶה פָנָיו, אוּלַי יִשָּׂא פָנָי. 21 and ye shall say: Moreover, behold, thy servant Jacob is behind us.’ For he said: ‘I will appease him with the present that goeth before me, and afterward I will see his face; peradventure he will accept me.’
כב  וַתַּעֲבֹר הַמִּנְחָה, עַל-פָּנָיו; וְהוּא לָן בַּלַּיְלָה-הַהוּא, בַּמַּחֲנֶה. 22 So the present passed over before him; and he himself lodged that night in the camp.
כג  וַיָּקָם בַּלַּיְלָה הוּא, וַיִּקַּח אֶת-שְׁתֵּי נָשָׁיו וְאֶת-שְׁתֵּי שִׁפְחֹתָיו, וְאֶת-אַחַד עָשָׂר, יְלָדָיו; וַיַּעֲבֹר, אֵת מַעֲבַר יַבֹּק. 23 And he rose up that night, and took his two wives, and his two handmaids, and his eleven children, and passed over the ford of the Jabbok.
כד  וַיִּקָּחֵם–וַיַּעֲבִרֵם, אֶת-הַנָּחַל; וַיַּעֲבֵר, אֶת-אֲשֶׁר-לוֹ. 24 And he took them, and sent them over the stream, and sent over that which he had.
כה  וַיִּוָּתֵר יַעֲקֹב, לְבַדּוֹ; וַיֵּאָבֵק אִישׁ עִמּוֹ, עַד עֲלוֹת הַשָּׁחַר. 25 And Jacob was left alone; and there wrestled a man with him until the breaking of the day.
כו  וַיַּרְא, כִּי לֹא יָכֹל לוֹ, וַיִּגַּע, בְּכַף-יְרֵכוֹ; וַתֵּקַע כַּף-יֶרֶךְ יַעֲקֹב, בְּהֵאָבְקוֹ עִמּוֹ. 26 And when he saw that he prevailed not against him, he touched the hollow of his thigh; and the hollow of Jacob’s thigh was strained, as he wrestled with him.
כז  וַיֹּאמֶר שַׁלְּחֵנִי, כִּי עָלָה הַשָּׁחַר; וַיֹּאמֶר לֹא אֲשַׁלֵּחֲךָ, כִּי אִם-בֵּרַכְתָּנִי. 27 And he said: ‘Let me go, for the day breaketh.’ And he said: ‘I will not let thee go, except thou bless me.’
כח  וַיֹּאמֶר אֵלָיו, מַה-שְּׁמֶךָ; וַיֹּאמֶר, יַעֲקֹב. 28 And he said unto him: ‘What is thy name?’ And he said: ‘Jacob.’
כט  וַיֹּאמֶר, לֹא יַעֲקֹב יֵאָמֵר עוֹד שִׁמְךָ–כִּי, אִם-יִשְׂרָאֵל:  כִּי-שָׂרִיתָ עִם-אֱלֹהִים וְעִם-אֲנָשִׁים, וַתּוּכָל. 29 And he said: ‘Thy name shall be called no more Jacob, but Israel; for thou hast striven with God and with men, and hast prevailed.’
ל  וַיִּשְׁאַל יַעֲקֹב, וַיֹּאמֶר הַגִּידָה-נָּא שְׁמֶךָ, וַיֹּאמֶר, לָמָּה זֶּה תִּשְׁאַל לִשְׁמִי; וַיְבָרֶךְ אֹתוֹ, שָׁם. 30 And Jacob asked him, and said: ‘Tell me, I pray thee, thy name.’ And he said: ‘Wherefore is it that thou dost ask after my name?’ And he blessed him there.
לא  וַיִּקְרָא יַעֲקֹב שֵׁם הַמָּקוֹם, פְּנִיאֵל:  כִּי-רָאִיתִי אֱלֹהִים פָּנִים אֶל-פָּנִים, וַתִּנָּצֵל נַפְשִׁי. 31 And Jacob called the name of the place Peniel: ‘for I have seen God face to face, and my life is preserved.’
לב  וַיִּזְרַח-לוֹ הַשֶּׁמֶשׁ, כַּאֲשֶׁר עָבַר אֶת-פְּנוּאֵל; וְהוּא צֹלֵעַ, עַל-יְרֵכוֹ. 32 And the sun rose upon him as he passed over Peniel, and he limped upon his thigh.
לג  עַל-כֵּן לֹא-יֹאכְלוּ בְנֵי-יִשְׂרָאֵל אֶת-גִּיד הַנָּשֶׁה, אֲשֶׁר עַל-כַּף הַיָּרֵךְ, עַד, הַיּוֹם הַזֶּה:  כִּי נָגַע בְּכַף-יֶרֶךְ יַעֲקֹב, בְּגִיד הַנָּשֶׁה. 33 Therefore the children of Israel eat not the sinew of the thigh-vein which is upon the hollow of the thigh, unto this day; because he touched the hollow of Jacob’s thigh, even in the sinew of the thigh-vein.
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City Heart

My heart is a big city–
people running everywhere
getting from to to fro,
taking care of business,
moving up and moving down
ladders and making art
on sidewalks and park benches
and in museum halls
that no one visits, expect for
people who don’t live in my
city heart.

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