I hate it here; I’m staying

I can list countless moments in my life when I have said, “I love it here! I never want to leave! I want this to be my life forever.”  In Chicago, in Italy, in Minneapolis, New York City, and surprisingly in my small hometown, I have said this.  It can happen in any moment, spurred by any small bit of well-crafted poignancy.  Perhaps the perfect mojito, a stellar outdoor concert, a bit of flirting with the guy who sells me pizza–give me something that makes my heart go “shuush” and I’m in.

Where I currently live, have lived for a year, I have yet to feel the shuush.  But here I am, staying.  I came for some familial re-connections, stayed at first for a temporary job, and then was offered a long-term job.  And boy was my hand twitching when I signed that contract last month.

One year.  I’m only committed to one year, but it feels like I just signed on till retirement.  I mean, one year may as well be twenty when it comes to teacher contracts, right?  Seriously, everyone keeps talking to me about “building my program.”  And I keep thinking, “Oh my goodness, do I really want to leave a legacy in a program?”

Would that really be so bad?  What is so scary about that?  Isn’t it time to get over your commitment phobia anyway?

Then, there are countless moments in my life when I have said, “This is a step. This is a game-changer. This is a better yes.”  When I boarded a plane, when I learned to make pies, when I accepted a job offer.  It can happen at any moment, spurred by a well-crafted and understood purpose.  It’s those moments that make my heart go “kclunkk” and I’m freaked out.

It’s little by little we build the houses we live in, we build our lives.  Bit by bit, decision by decision, we pile up bricks and mortar and learn to be whole, safe, and welcoming to others, we learn to be home.

Even if I hate it here, I’m staying.  I’m staying because I know there is a plan I can’t fully see yet, but with a foundation this good, the house is going to be strong.